Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Day 4

Literally trapped in a small town in central NT, trying to deal with what the rest of my life will be like. I'm terrified of going back home and having to spend nights alone in my bed with only my (albeit beautiful) dog for company, no spooning, no seatbelting, and no one to keep me in bed when I actually need to get up and go to work.

I need to go through my facebook profile and delete all the photos that I cant look at anymore, I'm scared to upload two months worth of photos from my camera because there will be me and him, on holiday, eating out, having fun, laughing and kissing and me so truly believing this was the REAL thing. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Can there be anything harder than telling someone to leave when all you want is to beg them to stay? Knowing that you have to choose between your own dignity and self respect and a relationship that was 99% perfect but had that teensy, tiny 1% that would never be in harmony with what I truly wanted? That would play on my mind late at night, wondering what the future would hold, wondering if the problems were even worth bringing up. And now that is all I have to think about.

Being in a relationship with a person is, I think, about knowing them inside out, their faults, flaws. Some people dont want to be known so intimately. The choice between ignorant bliss and informed heartbreak is one of the hardest to make. Fuck I wish I was dumber, less perceptive.

I feel so sorry for myself and I hate it so much. But then again, it is the best (and only) crash diet I've ever been on, 4 kilos in 4 days? Works like a charm!

Rest assured, there will be more food posts on the way, I just need to be able to eat first!!

I am so, so, so, so sad right now. I dont want anybody else.

7 comments:

kristy said...

Massive Hugs

Erin said...

Sorry to hear you're so sad :( It will get better.

CeciLiA said...

Oh dear, I'm so sorry to hear about this ... I hope that things will get better when time passes ... *hugz*

Jenaveve said...

My god - this post left me heart-broken. I don't quite know what to say except (coming from a total stranger here) I am sending all possible good vibes your way.

What goes down must come up... it may just feel like it's taking forever. Best wishes.

Ross Hill said...

Hi there,

You might be interested in meeting restauranteur Paul Mathis at The Hive next week - details at http://www.thehive.org.au.

Cheers, Ross

Léna, said...

despite the sads, it was very nice meeting you last week!

i think it is always ebst to use emotion in a productive way.

bake on, sister. bake on.

Anonymous said...

awww. I know how hard it is. just take it day by day and know that it gets better. one day in the near future you'll realise that you had just been happy for five whole minutes and it's then you'll realise that everything's going to be OK :)

Hugs from another voguette.